Sad day

[haveabeer]

I am going to see mum in care home which i do every 3 or 4 weeks not been up since Xmas as the weather not been good
i ring two or three times a week, i rang today to remind her and she did not know who i was it took my breath away i know we have been told that this is part of Dementia
but its so very sad i am know worrying that she might get upset when i arrive so i have asked to see mums career before i go in so i know what to expect
life can be so cruel at times

[Romig1]

So sorry to read that, HAB.

It seems to me that dementia affects the relatives as much (or even more so) than the patient. Just look after Mum as best as you can, and you can do no more.

[oldbluefox]

I'm so sorry to hear that HAB. Dementia is such a cruel disease. My uncle, for whom I had Power of Attorney, had dementia and I saw the illness develop over a period of months from partial recognition to scant recognition at all. However, although it was difficult and upsetting for us we contented ourselves that he was in no pain or discomfort and lived in his own world, and we did our best to ensure he got good care. I agree it is very difficult for families to cope with and you have my every sympathy.

As Romig says it probably affects relatives as much, if not more than the patient.

[haveabeer]

We are very lucky that the care home specialise in Dementia care and they have been great with mum who at times has been very difficult.
You are right mum is oblivious to what is happening she is living in a world some 50 years ago but there are times she will say something like are you still at school that makes us smile
The good thing is we know she is safe and being given the very best care

[Kenmo1]

Haveabeer- it is one of the hardest things to go through. It was easier to cope when my Mother died suddenly from a heart attack than to watch my Dad slowly forget who I was with this hideous thing that robs them of everything. I used to visit my Dad every day in the care home, sometimes twice a day and every day was painful as he steadily forgot who I was. You could tell that he wasn't sure who I was- was I one of his sisters as I looked like some of them and he regularly asked if I had seen 'Dad'. I used to just say No, I haven't seen him today but it hurt so much that he didn't remember that I was his daughter and he couldn't remember my name.

You will probably be the one who is more upset than your mother. I think you are wise to talk to your mother's carer first so that you can prepare yourself.

I will be thinking of you.

Maureen.

[GillD46]

I can't begin to imagine how painful this must be for you, but all you can do is be glad she is being well cared for. And try to remember the good times.

[haveabeer]

Haveabeer- it is one of the hardest things to go through. It was easier to cope when my Mother died suddenly from a heart attack than to watch my Dad slowly forget who I was with this hideous thing that robs them of everything. I used to visit my Dad every day in the care home, sometimes twice a day and every day was painful as he steadily forgot who I was. You could tell that he wasn't sure who I was- was I one of his sisters as I looked like some of them and he regularly asked if I had seen 'Dad'. I used to just say No, I haven't seen him today but it hurt so much that he didn't remember that I was his daughter and he couldn't remember my name.

You will probably be the one who is more upset than your mother. I think you are wise to talk to your mother's carer first so that you can prepare yourself.

I will be thinking of you.

Maureen.

This is exactly the stage we are at but the strange thing is my daughter now in her 40s is the only one my mum remembers show her a picture of all her grandchildren and she is the only one mum names
Mum keeps saying things like where is my Ron my dad who died ten years ago she thinks we are keeping them apart which at first upset us but we just change the subject now

[Frank Manning]

My heart goes out to you all. My Mum was in a BUPA nursing home and had a series of TIA s, they used to put her in a room all day with people with all kinds of stages of dementia, and it just tormented her even more. The last time I saw her I took her some strawberries and cream, while I was feeding it to her a carer came in and asked me to stop because "we will have to clear up the mess". It was a merciful release when she passed away. (I'm afraid I am very dubious about BUPA)

[haveabeer]

My heart goes out to you all. My Mum was in a BUPA nursing home and had a series of TIA s, they used to put her in a room all day with people with all kinds of stages of dementia, and it just tormented her even more. The last time I saw her I took her some strawberries and cream, while I was feeding it to her a carer came in and asked me to stop because "we will have to clear up the mess". It was a merciful release when she passed away. (I'm afraid I am very dubious about BUPA)

That's awful I know it's hard for carers but they trained to care for them I am so pleased we chose the home she is in
Mum also gets frustrated like your mum there are varying degrees of Dementia we have to put name labels in her clothes otherwise they go missing but it's a small price to pay she receives the very best care

[david63]

I know exactly how you must be feeling.

My father was in a care home and we used to visit about once a month. On one occasion when we went to visit him he said to me "Who are you?" - it is something that I will never forget.

[haveabeer]

I know exactly how you must be feeling.

My father was in a care home and we used to visit about once a month. On one occasion when we went to visit him he said to me "Who are you?" - it is something that I will never forget.

That's how it was for me today even now thinking about it sends shivers up my spine just struggling to understand it at the moment

[Gill W]

That's how it was for me today even now thinking about it sends shivers up my spine just struggling to understand it at the moment

Dementia is so cruel, to the sufferer and the family and friends.

My mum had dementia, and my dad was her carer, until he became ill and had to go into hospital. Everything came to a head at once, as my mum was getting to the point were she needed professional care.

She went in to a home, initially for respite care. We took my mum to see my dad in hospital a couple of times. My dad was thrilled to see her, but when we took her back to the care home, she'd say things like 'that man we went to see, he seemed nice. Within a couple of days she had completely forgotten her husband of 48 years. My dad never realised this, as he was very ill himself.

My dad died a few days later, and I tried to tell my mum, but she didn't really know who we were talking about, and seemed to have no recollection of him at all. Due to various reasons, including the fact that she had temporarily been moved to a home 20 miles away, I didn't take her to my dad's funeral - it wouldn't have done anybody any good, and I felt as if I wanted to say goodbye to my dad without having the worry of looking after my mum.

She subsequently went into a nice care home. I put lots of pictures of my dad in her room, but she never looked at them or asked about him.

I'm glad that

a) she never had to grieve for my dad
b) my dad didn't have to make the decision that she was too much to look after, and place her in a home.

My mum started to think I was her sister. I didn't really mind that, as I felt she knew I was someone close to her. After a while, she stopped calling me her sister - but I think she always know I was someone special to her, even at the very end, which I am grateful for.

She died in 2008, four years after my dad. To be honest, I don't think about those four years very much, as it is way too painful.

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment, I wouldn't wish it on anybody

[Boris+]

HaB,

It's very sad - and the worse thing is that feeling of helplessness because there's nothing you can do to stop it or cure it.

Please whatever you do, remember to look after yourself and take care of yourself - simply because in all this you are very important.

Having been through this scenario with my parents I sincerely feel for you and your family. I'll be thinking of you.

Em

[Andrea S]

HAB, You need to be strong as the chances are your Mum might not recognise you.
Your Mum will be living in a safe happy world of her own. Sadly you probably aren't in her world. Whoever she thinks you are , be that person,
My Mum once asked me if I had seen the young man she went dancing with as he hadn't been to see her. She was referring to my Dad who had passed away 23 years earlier.
I was fortunate enough to find a home close by for my Mum and was able to go in at each meal time to feed her but frequently she called me 'nurse!. Each and every time I walked out of the doors I cried.
It is a cruel illness with no dignity but rest assured ( a silly saying ) that it is you who will be distressed not your Mum.
My heart goes out to you and your family.

[haveabeer]

Saw mum today she was in and out with remembering who I was, before I went in I stood and observed what she was doing and she seemed very content as soon as I spoke to her she became agrivated so I sat and showed her some photos which calmed her down
As it was a lovely morning I took her to the hop farm and that was an experience on its own but eventually got her inside and we had a cream tea she loved that she looked at me and said are you going to eat that your cream I gave it to mum she piled it on her scone and ate the lot she had cream every where but she enjoyed it
After speaking to her care worker I felt a bit happier
But I could see her fragility was getting worse
She asked me how old am I said nearly 88 mum she tried to clip my ear said in a loud voice don't lie to me I am only 70 lol
Been a long day but worth it

[Kenmo1]

HaB - I'm glad the visit turned out better than you expected. I wondered how you had got on. You have to take one visit at a time, some will be ok and some will knock you for six. However, the better memories like today will stay with you. You have to learn not to dwell on the bad ones, often easier said than done.

We were lucky - Dad was into his early 90s before we realised he had a problem. We now have a very close friend who was diagnosed with dementia last year at the age of 69. Such a cruel illness and there is no logic or pattern to who will be affected.

Look after yourself.

Maureen

[oldbluefox]

A cruel disease it is but we have many amusing memories of my uncle. He asked my mother (88) if she was pregnant, asked my wife how the farm was doing (where did that come from?) and when was my brother going to pay back the £6000 he owed him (never borrowed any money from him). He wanted to know if we were going to visit my grandmother who was playing the piano in the next room (she died 30 years ago).

Initially this all came as a shock but we came to accept this was where he was, living in his own little world but were sometimes able to find links with his past which he was able to recognise and were able to raise a smile.

The carers in the home were marvellous with him and I remain in awe of their patience and dedication towards those who are no longer able to care for themselves.

[Meg 50]

Do you have 'memory book' for her?

Not sure if that is the proper name - but an album of photos and stuff of her 'previous life' that she can share with people and praps 'relearn'.

Hope fully someone else can explain it better!

[Meg 50]

http://www.best-alzheimers-products.com ... -book.html

[haveabeer]

Do you have 'memory book' for her?

Not sure if that is the proper name - but an album of photos and stuff of her 'previous life' that she can share with people and praps 'relearn'.

Hope fully someone else can explain it better!

Yes we have done an album of close family put there names on them and there age
Mum was one of 14 children and there are only one other still living Mum gets confused as to who is alive so i made an album of all her brothers and sisters there ages and names she loves that one
I found on a web site a picture of her brother when he was 18 and where mum worked as a teenager in the laundry it showed all the girls working there and mum remembered some of them
The internet has been great for finding places around St Austell and St Blazey where mum was born and grew up even found the School she used to go to
these little things help her to remember she speaks a lot about the war which she had never done before i also found out recently that she lost another brother at the age of 18 we are not sure what he died of so thats my next project to trace him and hopefully find a picture mum seems to think it was in the local paper and was around 1945

[haveabeer]

http://www.best-alzheimers-products.com ... -book.html

Thanks Meg

[gfwgfw]

Hard to post this

. . . . but I hang my hat on the fact that my Betty ended her happy 80 years with no suffering and her last day was a very happy one with family and friends

My dear friend HAB chin up and dwell on the happy times with your mother

Sincerely


Graham

[cornmillgirl]

I cannot imagine how it must be to have a close relative with dementia, so I am sorry to hear about your situation HAB. A friend of mine lost his mum
to dementia late last year, she, poor thing was diagnosed in her early 50's (my age which is frightening), he was heartbroken that she did not recognise
him as her son.

You can only take comfort from the fact she is being well looked and obviously enjoyed her cream tea with you and was still capable of thinking about and giving you a clipped ear!

There are obviously a lot of caring folk on this forum. I did some voluntary work with the WRVS a few years ago, shopping for old people who could not do
it themselves. I was appalled at the lack of help by their family, in one case the son was milking the system and getting all these benefits, another visited the old lady rarely, went right past the supermarket I shopped at for her, but would not do it himself. Another lived about 50 yards round the corner, and yet I was doing things they should have, because I could not leave the old person to it. The final straw was when I found our local County Council was charging some of them (dependent on their money situation) £11 per week for me to do the shopping which I did completely free.

So it is lovely to hear so many people looking after their parents/relatives in the tough times of dementia, you all deserve a pat on the back.

[gfwgfw]

Cornmillgirl

You are a lovely lady to be so caring

Luboo lots

Graham x

[haveabeer]

It's so nice to read such stories some sad some with words of encouragement
I know that my mum has changed but she still my mum the one who gave up so much when I was a child worked her socks of to give me the best she could afford
Yes it hurts to see her this way but I do remember the good times
At mums care assessment plan meeting yesterday I was amazed at a comment made by the care manager I thanked them all for there time and how grateful both my sister and I are at the level of care they provided to mum she responded by saying that she only wished all residents had such a caring family who visited as much as you do and took an active interest in the well being of there mum it appears that some are put into care and forgotten about which I find sad