Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

There were two nuns...


One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!



HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

[oldbluefox]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

[oldbluefox]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

[Stephen]

Emergency Medical Advice - Urgent

I don't usually get an erection lasting more than four hours, but when I do, I go to this Web Site

http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/0dN ... P/x610.jpg

[kaymar]

Stephen is obviously staying in bed this morning, so we'll use last weeks post,

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be the Pharaoh Roche..

[kaymar]

Two Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…the other's got a dodgy tikka!

[qbman1]

Stories from the North of England.


Police in Doncaster last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library.
Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:
"We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."
______________

19 Asians died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack; a bunk bed collapsed.
Police are attributing the blame to Al' IKEA.
______________

Also up north, a man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opened the washing machine then stopped, thinking for a minute.
He shouted to his missus,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Manchester United.”
______________

My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre. He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
The child replied, "Granddad."
The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"
The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "Cans of lager and women with big t*ts."

[Stephen]

Strange, my opening post does not show unless I logon.

Have P&O techies brought out this site by an chance


[Stephen, that may be because two different threads have now been merged, you have to be patient ]

[Keechy]

50 Shades...

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and
forth... back and forth..... in and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and
trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally
exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! You park it, you smug git!!”

[Stephen]

A Sense of Freshness....


A while ago a new supermarket opened in our aea.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.



I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[kaymar]

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth

[Billy6]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bed room closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is"
Boy " I have a baseball."
Man "That's nice"
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks"
Boy "My dad/s outside..."
Man "O.K. - How much?"
Boy "$250"

In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy "Dark in here"
Man “ Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a baseball glove"
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy "$750"
Man "Sold!"

A few days later the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy " $ 1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you
to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again, you're in my closet now."

[kaymar]

A reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last years riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty runs out soon

[kaymar]

Billy



that has always been one of my favourites.

[Stephen]

Good one Kaymar ))

[oldbluefox]

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...

...."No. They're all at the funeral."

[oldbluefox]

Keith decided to go skiing with his buddy, David. So they loaded up Keith's minivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Keith said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Keith got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend David and asked, 'David, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said David.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' David said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

David's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

[oldbluefox]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

"It's like talking to a brick wall."

[Dancing Queen]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:

'SEX FROGS'
Only $20each.
Comes with 'complete instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1.Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . .NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . Please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ...TIME!!!'

[Kendhni]

An oldie but it still makes me laugh

[Manoverboard]

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

[Silver_Shiney]

Good one, Ken!