Would you be a 'kept man'?

[ChesterfieldJohn]

Morning everyone.

Just a question for you.

My daughters friend has been offered an excellent and well paid job, but it means that she and her husband will have to move 'down south' and her husband will have to give up his job.

Both of them have been through University and have degrees that they are putting to good use, but her husband is unhappy that he will have to give up his job.

He says and I quote ' I'm not being a bloody kept man its a man's job to keep a woman'

I think this is old fashioned and a throw back to 'the good old days'

It is making him very angry. He does not think that he could get a job that suits his degree if they move. ( not sure what its in).

Would you move if it was you and do you look at it has being a 'kept man'?

John

[GillD46]

It seems to me that BOTH individuals should be happy, so if it means he would have to give up his job, and doesn't want to, perhaps they need to think some more.

As for one partner earning more than the other, that doesn't matter,whichever one earns the most. But BOTH need to be content with the set up.

[Meg 50]

I agree with Gill.

Presumably there's no children?

[david63]

Being a "kept man" - in my dreams

As for the couple that you mention it is very difficult to have an opinion. There are many factors that need to be taken into consideration, such as;

- overall standard of living
- job satisfaction (for both of them)
- their personal relationship
- are there any children involved

Only the two of them can resolve this - but one thing that I do know is that "money is not everything"

[Kendhni]

Sadly that would not work for me ... Julie has become accustomed to a life style that I can barely afford.

More seriously I would die of boredom. A couple of years back I was in hospital and off work for a period of 2 weeks ... suffice to say Julie was glad to get me out of the house and back to work ... as was I ... the boredom and monotony of (basically) doing nothing all day drove me scatty.

While out walking the dogs, Julie has mentioned on several occasions that she is meeting more and more men (... no, not like that, stick with this for a minute and stop letting your mind wander ...) .... meeting more and more men who claim they are stay at home husbands ... so it is getting more common.

I agree with others that people need to look at what suits their family unit .. there is no right or wrong or one-size-fits-all. In our situation, Julie stays at home and I work ... but then Julie does all the washing and ironing and most of the cleaning; she walks the dogs; she runs errands and/or makes phone calls for me; she has a dinner ready for me when I get in; and she does so much more that makes my home life easier. That is what works for us!

[jay-ell71]

This is a loose, loose situation. If she gives up this chance she will be unhappy, if he gives up his job,he will be unhappy. If they continue as they are, he might be happy, but will she? It might depend on how much they want to be married to each other.

Ken, you have an "old fashioned" marriage. You are right, it is whatever works for you is best.

[Dancing Queen]

I agree it is a very old fashioned idea in this day and age but it does need both sides to be happy about it and if it happens or doesn't happen and one of them resents it then it will be a downward spiral after that.

Is there no chance of the husband getting a transfer with his present company if they have anywhere in the South.

It may be a well paid job but will it compensate for the other loss of income, will they be able to afford to buy property on one income, will there be high travel costs to get to their place of employment, all things to be taken into account ( if they haven't already done so ) maybe when/if they look at all the pro's and con's it might not look so attractive.

[ChesterfieldJohn]

Thanks everyone.
The money will keep them well and they will be able to afford a property, there are no children.
Neither of them want any.

The only issue appears to be his issue with the kept man idea.

Perhaps its because he comes from a background where his mother has never worked.

John

[Quizzical Bob]

It seems to me that BOTH individuals should be happy, so if it means he would have to give up his job, and doesn't want to, perhaps they need to think some more.

As for one partner earning more than the other, that doesn't matter,whichever one earns the most. But BOTH need to be content with the set up.

Quite so.

[Dancing Queen]

Just an afterthought would it be viable to travel, when I worked it could take me anything from an hour to an hour and a half to get to work and that was less than a 20 mile journey, I would go into work an hour early and leave an hour later just to avoid sitting in traffic, yes it made it a long day but something I was prepared to do.

[ChesterfieldJohn]

Just an afterthought would it be viable to travel, when I worked it could take me anything from an hour to an hour and a half to get to work and that was less than a 20 mile journey, I would go into work an hour early and leave an hour later just to avoid sitting in traffic, yes it made it a long day but something I was prepared to do.

Jo,

They live near Stockton and the job is in Oxford not sure he could travel


John

[Dark Knight]

we recently moved, due to Lady D getting a new job within the company she works for, so after a bit of discussion, we decided to move, the loss of her salary, while not a catastrophe, would have put us in the same boat as Ken, which whilst it may work for them, was not my wife's idea of a life and we did not want to rely on a sinlge income
so we moved

it is a choice that both parties have to be comfortable with and if not then they are undoubtedly heading for trouble, sad, but a fact, however the kept man thing is to me an excuse for something else that he is not happy about and that should be discussed first, more likely he is frightened of change and moving to a place where he knows nobody, will be stuck in all day and unless he gets a job and makes new friends, will have no social life at all

we have moved 3 times due to work and it is a major upheaval that needs careful consideration from both sides and does not need any imput from outside of the couple themselves

[david63]

Another option could be for one of them to have a flat near where they work and stay there Monday to Friday and both be at the "family" home at weekends. Not ideal but it works for some

[Silver_Shiney]

Has he looked at the jobs market in the new area? Can he possibly use his skills to go self-employed? Oxford isn't that far from London - surely there are opportunities there?

Nothing wrong with being a kept man - my BIL has done so for years. My sister works her socks off, then comes home to clean, cook, generally run around after him..... He doesn't lift a finger.

Seriously, though, if we could afford to live off just my wife's salary, I'd stay at home to do all the housework and cooking, so that my wife wouldn't have to lift a finger when she got home and thus improve her qualify of life by given us both more "together" time. Running a home is a full-time job too!

Following on from DK's wise comments - people in the forces get moved from pillar to post at short notice (we were once given 8 weeks notice of a posting - 8 weeks just after we'd been posted!), they have no say in the matter and the families are required to follow if they want to stay together. At least your daughter and SIL have a choice in the matter.

As David says, living apart during the week, although far from ideal, may be an option - we managed to stick it for 18 months.

[Dancing Queen]

Jo,

They live near Stockton and the job is in Oxford not sure he could travel


John[/quote]

Oh I was thinking more London ( I don't know why ) and thinking rail travel rather than driving as that is pretty easy from C/Field ..... so that is a no go

[HK phooey]

Yes I would.

[Dark Knight]

HK
operation coming along nicely then is it?........Butch

[HK phooey]

Batty, if I had the misfortune to be born a man I would be happy to be kept. I would lie on the sofa watching old episodes of Top Gear in the mornings and then go to the pub in the afternoon. When it was time for my wife to return from work I would have the consideration to be at home to tell her what I wanted for my dinner.

[Dark Knight]

HK
you will make a great bloke and on the plus side, no more shaving your top lip or your back
You will save a fortune in razors and plasters

[Silver_Shiney]

Yes I would.

You'd fail the medical

[Dark Knight]

back on track
I would find it difficult to be a house husband and would need some sort of job to fill at least half my time each day.
it sounds good but the reality would, for many, I think be very different

[Delboy]

Another option could be for one of them to have a flat near where they work and stay there Monday to Friday and both be at the "family" home at weekends. Not ideal but it works for some

As you say David it works for some, unfortunately not for others

A friend of my wife, her son, who got married on P&O's Oceana, it did not work for him and his wife.

But then he worked mainly in China, whilst she remained in the UK.

They are now divorced.

[emjay45]

Batty, if I had the misfortune to be born a man I would be happy to be kept. I would lie on the sofa watching old episodes of Top Gear in the mornings and then go to the pub in the afternoon. When it was time for my wife to return from work I would have the consideration to be at home to tell her what I wanted for my dinner.

Oh dear you do make me laugh
As for the 'kept man'. I know I'm old-fashioned but I really don't think any man would be happy in this situation. My DIL has a fantastic job and would not consider giving up work when she had children. My youngest son is what is known today I suppose as a 'new man' as he helps out with everything. They do have someone doing their housework now, but my son does his share of childcare and at one time did all the washing and ironing. However I know he would be very unhappy to be a 'kept man'.

[Romig1]

From a purely philosophical point of view, then if the rewards were so great to have my wife working and myself not then I would readily move. I would however not be able to sit at home all day, and would look for some employment in the new location.

[Boris+]

Well, my husband is a kept man - and I spoil him just as often as I can!

Em