Ground, open up and swallow me NOW

[Silver_Shiney]

As we're only human, I know we've all done something extremely embarrassing. Who's brave enough to spill the beans?

I'll start.

A few years ago, when I was working in a Bureau de Change, we had to conduct frequent counts of the currency notes in our drawer. My line manager, a gorgeous young lady, was working the other desk that day, and, as it was quiet, we decided to do our check. I preferred to use a little rubber thimble to separate the notes, which I found more convenient to wear on my middle finger. We started discussing the various methods of separating the notes. Some people would rifle the notes between forefinger and thumb. Some would make a fold, to make the notes part. Some licked their fingers, while others dampened their fingers on a wet sponge. I held out my hand and said "have you tried one of these?"

So there I am, to all intents and purposes, not just giving a very pretty young lady "the finger", but one adorned with a miniature french tickler...

Fortunately she thought it was hilarious.



A few weeks later another colleague said she and her daughter were having a clear-out and would I like some stuff for the charity shop I helped to manage. She brought it in and told me she'd left it in a bag by her desk. After she finished her shift, I went up to the office during my break to have a look. I found the bag next to her desk, next to the bag my lunch was in, and started going through it. First out was a large make-up brush. Hmm, that could sell. Next out was a very large, slightly grubby bra. When I say large, I mean industrial strength. I couldn't work it out, as Helen was extremely slender and her daughter only 11 years old. Okay, next. A very tiny sparkly, strappy top that, frankly, I wouldn't even have put in the rag bag. There was something else at the bottom of the bag but I thought I'd just take the lot, dump it in the bin and thank Helen very much. At the end of my shift, I went to get the bags and... there it was, gone. Puzzled, I looked around and saw another bag underneath Helen's desk. THAT was the one I was meant to take.

A few days later, the shop''s manager said to me "You should have seen Lisa the other night. She was going clubbing straight after work and got changed before she left the shop. She was wearing this tiny, sparkly strappy top with massive boobs spilling out all over the place....."



A former colleague of mine bumped into the Lady C at Cribbs a little while back and exchanged the usual pleasantries. She then said, "Oh Claire, you haven't met my husband, have you? This is Martin. Martin, this is Alan's wife, Claire"

Martin looked horrified.

He said, "Wendy, we were round their house for dinner last Saturday"

[Dennis The Menace]

Very good Alan, enjoyed reading those

Think I covered my worst one in the book ; I.e. The time we were sat at the same breakfast table as the ship's classical pianist and I referred to his lady companion as his wife (it was actually his, once I looked again, quite elderly mother!).

I could have handled experiencing a brief moment of his very clear unhappiness with me. Even my obvious embarrassment was painful but tolerable. But the worst thing was that, having made my faux pax early into the meal, the excruciating and very uncomfortable silence that enveloped our little table for four for the rest of the meal felt like it lasted for ever.

My prunes were literally shrivelling :-0

[daib GC]

Very good Alan, enjoyed reading those

Think I covered my worst one in the book ; I.e. The time we were sat at the same breakfast table as the ship's classical pianist and I referred to his lady companion as his wife (it was actually his, once I looked again, quite elderly mother!).

I could have handled experiencing a brief moment of his very clear unhappiness with me. Even my obvious embarrassment was painful but tolerable. But the worst thing was that, having made my faux pax early into the meal, the excruciating and very uncomfortable silence that enveloped our little table for four for the rest of the meal felt like it lasted for ever.

My prunes were literally shrivelling :-0

Yes well. That happened to me in reverse. I used to take my mother to Warners for a weeks holiday, she was late 80's but looked a lot younger. Two or three times she was asked about her husband, me. She thought it was wonderful.

[Silver_Shiney]

Very good Alan, enjoyed reading those

Think I covered my worst one in the book ; I.e. The time we were sat at the same breakfast table as the ship's classical pianist and I referred to his lady companion as his wife (it was actually his, once I looked again, quite elderly mother!).

Thanks, Dennis.

That wouldn't have been Jonathan Ainsworth, by any chance? We saw him three years ago on Oceana and my mum's struck up a pen-friendship with him. He said he sometimes brought his mother with him on his cruises.

[GillD46]

Years ago, when I was working as a bank staff nurse at our local hospital, I was caring for a patient who turned out to be a patient of my husband's Practice. She looked at my name badge - we have a VERY unusual surname - and asked me was I Dr D.......'s daughter! I told her no, I was his wife and we had three children under 5, but she looked unconvinced.

Whether that meant I looked young enough to be his daughter, or he looked old enough to be my father, I didn't ask!!!

[Stephen]

When I was a teenager me and a mate use to go swimming most Saturday mornings. One time as I was walking round the pool my mate called out from the pool to let me know one of my nuts was poking out of my trunks. Having swiftly rectified the problem it was into the water like grease lightning.

This is just between you and me Alan

[Silver_Shiney]

When I was a teenager me and a mate use to go swimming most Saturday mornings. One time as I was walking round the pool my mate called out from the pool to let me know one of my nuts was poking out of my trunks. Having swiftly rectified the problem it was into the water like grease lightning.

This is just between you and me Alan

Similar to me, Stephen. Only I went swimming wearing my white PE shorts. I dived in from the deep end, swam underwater to the ladder next to the changing room and my mate announced to the world that my shorts had gone transparent. Fortunately, I was right next to the changing room.

Again, this is strictly between the two of us. Can't have the rest of the forum knowing about this can we?

[Dennis The Menace]

When I was a teenager me and a mate use to go swimming most Saturday mornings. One time as I was walking round the pool my mate called out from the pool to let me know one of my nuts was poking out of my trunks. Having swiftly rectified the problem it was into the water like grease lightning.

This is just between you and me Alan

Similar to me, Stephen. Only I went swimming wearing my white PE shorts. I dived in from the deep end, swam underwater to the ladder next to the changing room and my mate announced to the world that my shorts had gone transparent. Fortunately, I was right next to the changing room.

Again, this is strictly between the two of us. Can't have the rest of the forum knowing about this can we?

What a pair !

[Dennis The Menace]

Very good Alan, enjoyed reading those

Think I covered my worst one in the book ; I.e. The time we were sat at the same breakfast table as the ship's classical pianist and I referred to his lady companion as his wife (it was actually his, once I looked again, quite elderly mother!).

Thanks, Dennis.

That wouldn't have been Jonathan Ainsworth, by any chance? We saw him three years ago on Oceana and my mum's struck up a pen-friendship with him. He said he sometimes brought his mother with him on his cruises.

I can't honestly remember Alan, he was a folically challenged gent and it must have been 6 or 7 years back I reckon.

[Dennis The Menace]

Very good Alan, enjoyed reading those

Think I covered my worst one in the book ; I.e. The time we were sat at the same breakfast table as the ship's classical pianist and I referred to his lady companion as his wife (it was actually his, once I looked again, quite elderly mother!).

I could have handled experiencing a brief moment of his very clear unhappiness with me. Even my obvious embarrassment was painful but tolerable. But the worst thing was that, having made my faux pax early into the meal, the excruciating and very uncomfortable silence that enveloped our little table for four for the rest of the meal felt like it lasted for ever.

My prunes were literally shrivelling :-0

Yes well. That happened to me in reverse. I used to take my mother to Warners for a weeks holiday, she was late 80's but looked a lot younger. Two or three times she was asked about her husband, me. She thought it was wonderful.

That's a much nicer way around Dai - I will try that next time

[Silver_Shiney]

I can't honestly remember Alan, he was a folically challenged gent and it must have been 6 or 7 years back I reckon.

Ah, that's not Jonathan, then. Thanks, Dennis

[Dancing Queen]

Yeah .. as if I'd tell you lot about my misspent youth

[Silver_Shiney]

spoilsport...

[Meg 50]

Yes well. That happened to me in reverse. I used to take my mother to Warners for a weeks holiday, she was late 80's but looked a lot younger. Two or three times she was asked about her husband, me. She thought it was wonderful.

Me too - twice my daughter has been asked who's older, her or me! they thought we were sisters...

Same thing happened to me and my Mum many years ago

[Dancing Queen]

spoilsport...

I know !!!

[Kenmo1]

I was a very junior clerk working for a really nice boss and his secretary asked me to make sure a letter was posted off but that his colleague was not to know about it. Later that day, as I went past my boss's door, I told him that I had posted the letter that he didn't want Miss X to see, not realising that she was stood behind the door where I couldn't see her until she stuck her head round the door.

I didn't wait for the ground to swallow me up, I just disappeared as quickly as possible and kept a very low profile for a few days. The subject was never mentioned again.

Maureen

[Meg 50]

I was a very junior clerk working for a really nice boss and his secretary asked me to make sure a letter was posted off but that his colleague was not to know about it. Later that day, as I went past my boss's door, I told him that I had posted the letter that he didn't want Miss X to see, not realising that she was stood behind the door where I couldn't see her until she stuck her head round the door.

I didn't wait for the ground to swallow me up, I just disappeared as quickly as possible and kept a very low profile for a few days. The subject was never mentioned again.

Maureen

what was it? Her cards, or a Valentine?

[Kenmo1]

No Meg - I think he totally disagreed with her assessment and plan of action for a client she was dealing with and she was extremely difficult to argue with. I didn't dig too deeply as I was just so embarrassed by my big mouth faux pas that I felt the less I knew the better it would be.

Maureen

[Meg 50]

ooops!

[Silver_Shiney]

I often say, when I'm going to the loo, that I'm going to see my Turkish friend....

A few years ago, in MoD, I had a young Hong Kong Chinese girl working for me (a better worker it would have been harder to imagine until I met the lass I currently work with). Our deputy director and his officers would, 2-3 times a year, say to us "pack up, we're going out" and they'd take us to a wine bar in the Whitehall area.

This particular day, we went to a wine bar terrace on the bank of the Thames, a stone's throw from Embankment tube station. After a glass or two, I felt the urge and announced that I'd just go and see my Turkish friend.

When I returned, Lo-Chi was absolutely scarlet in colour, and everyone else was falling off their chairs laughing.

Apparently (being a very ecumenical young lady), she'd said "Alan's always going to see his Turkish friend. I'd love to meet him one day"....

It was gently explained to her what I was actually doing.

[gfwgfw]

Last Week the National Trust lady volunteers were giving The Cerne Giant a trim up, concentrating on the glands penis, there was almost a massive eruption on my tranquil rural Dorset hill side

Lubbooo all

The Gentle Giant of Cerne Abass

[Stephen]

Last Week the National Trust lady volunteers were giving The Cerne Giant a trim up, concentrating on the glands penis, there was almost a massive eruption on my tranquil rural Dorset hill side

Lubbooo all

The Gentle Giant of Cerne Abass

[Mervyn and Trish]

Last Week the National Trust lady volunteers were giving The Cerne Giant a trim up, concentrating on the glands penis, there was almost a massive eruption on my tranquil rural Dorset hill side

Lubbooo all

The Gentle Giant of Cerne Abass

They can keep their strimmers away from mine thank you very much!