Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

Happy Easter


It's Friday Fun Time

Quick travel tip for anyone planning an overseas trip this Easter:
Make sure your pilot's a Scouser - you'll never catch one of those tearing up a sick note and going in to work.

[oldbluefox]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

There. That should upset just about everybody.....

[oldbluefox]

A small boy named Wally lived in Punchbowl, a suburb in South Western Sydney.
None of his classmates liked him because of his gross stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "you are driving me mad Wally".
One evening, during a parent and teacher interview, the teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and she had never taught such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.
Wally’s mum was so crushed at the teacher’s perception of her son’s lack of intelligence that she withdrew him from the school and even moved out of Sydney, to Newcastle. Wally’s mother never lost faith in her son and she reasoned that a mother’s love and a fresh start would allow Wally’s full potential to be realised. Her dedication and prayers would overcome all she reasoned and bring the success that her son so richly deserved.
Some 25 years later, after a long illness, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable form of cardiovascular disease. A number of attending Cardiologists all strongly advised her to have corrective heart surgery. There was only one surgeon in Australia trained in the technique and able at that time to perform it.
Left with no other options and deteriorating health, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes post operatively she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her while noting her radial pulse.
Overcome with gratitude, she wanted to thank him but she could not talk. She was becoming increasingly dyspnoeic and then deeply cyanosed before the doctor’s very eyes. Her face and tongue now blue, she raised her tremulous hand, trying desperately to tell him something but she suddenly collapsed and was unable to be resuscitated.
The doctor was now distraught and frantically trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Wally, working as a cleaner in the recovery ward, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his floor polisher.

Don't tell me you thought that Wally became a heart-surgeon?

[oldbluefox]

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws. They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[oldbluefox]

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old .

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. He is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents. When the newly-weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action, which they enjoy once more.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I have been in here before?'

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[Stephen]

Paddy & Murphy Get The Day Off

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

[Stephen]

"The name's Bond, James Bond init bruv!!"

[oldbluefox]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The British National Party's School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50 a minute (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

[Stephen]

This weather reminds me of my wife..

Always trying its hardest not to be nice..