Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[Stephen]

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[oldbluefox]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a "Sportsman's Double".
'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

[qbman1]

An attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in
front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the
road, drifted right and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the
accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights
flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started
screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which
he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter
how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be
the same. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop
shook his head in disbelief, "I can't believe how
materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your
possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your
left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . "My Rolex!"

[Stephen]

A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool.
So I gave him a glass of water.

[Ray Scully]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[oldbluefox]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.

A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC. THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.

HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mum and said,
"He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mum said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you..

[Dancing Queen]

Two Chimps and a Blonde


A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.






The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?"

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.




My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble.'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.




Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.




With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over, so now we're going to SeaWorld .'

[qbman1]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It's around midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in
the act. For $200, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his
wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, Don't do
it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your season Patriots tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!

Shakin his head, the husband lowers the gun. He looks at the cabby and says,
'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a
cold.'