Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Onelife]

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves"

[Stephen]

After it's procession through Liverpool, Cilla Black's hearse received a much-deserved round of applause as it arrived at the church....


......with all four wheels still attached.

[Onelife]

After it's procession through Liverpool, Cilla Black's hearse received a much-deserved round of applause as it arrived at the church....


......with all four wheels still attached.

[poole boy]

Two immigrunt blokes were in a bar talking and one says to the other,
"You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second aboriginal bloke says, "Yeah, all the time."
The first one asked, "Why is that?"
The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."

[Stephen]

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Not to worry everybody on board, DK will be along soon to cheer you up

[Onelife]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

[Stephen]

A serious incident occurred in Manchester City Centre today.

The Police immediately responded to the incident by sending out three tweets and a Facebook post.

[Mervyn and Trish]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on but on attempting the step she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more

For the third time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large muscular cowboy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The cowboy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

[Stephen]

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

[Ray Scully]

After it's procession through Liverpool, Cilla Black's hearse received a much-deserved round of applause as it arrived at the church....


......with all four wheels still attached.

Deeply offended
How could anyone use the name of a 'national treasure' to promote a cheap joke about my beloved city.

[Stephen]

Quite easily Ray

[Stephen]

Just tried doing a load of washing but the bl**dy washing machine wouldn't work.
Then I noticed the wife had set it to coloureds .

Reset to whites and it works great

[oldbluefox]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, .. a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day!"

[Happydays]

I've been looking for flights recently and was sent this, takes about 4mins to watch a bit cheeky;) hope it doesn't offend anyone!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM