Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time


The Dead Dog


There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.

The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked around the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''.

She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?''

The doctor said ''$300''

She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??''

He said ''£15 for me to say he was dead. Then £285 for the cat scan''

[oldbluefox]

A blonde was selling her pet python on eBay.
Some fellow called and asked if it was big?
She said, "Big? .....Yeah, it's massive!"
He said, "....How many feet?"
She said, "None, you moron! It's a snake

[Onelife]

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven I'm a bear in Yellowstone National Park.

[Ray Scully]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you please explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush always beats a Pair, no matter how big the pairs are."

[qbman1]

Little Zachary was doing poorly in maths. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, Little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated.

Finally, Little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an "A" in maths.

She asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?"

Little Zachary said, "No!"

"What was it?" she asked.

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[qbman1]

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said..You wear pants, don't you

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you

She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said.. I would, but you're never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?

She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and f*rt.

[qbman1]

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her doctor. When the examination was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you......."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[qbman1]

Reasons why it's great to be a man

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five day holiday requires only one suitcase.

Monday Night Football.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

You can go to the toilet in a club without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

You can kill your own food.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

You see the humour in Terms of Endearment.

You never have to clean the toilet.

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £5 for a three pack.

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You can eat a banana without getting knowing looks.

You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

You get to jump up and slap stuff.

One mood, all the time.

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

Same work....more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress £1,000; Suit Hire £50.

You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

The remote is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.

If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

Baywatch

There is always a game on somewhere.

[qbman1]

download.jpg

[oldbluefox]

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one at a time until only Bob, the most junior member was left sitting outside.
Finally it was Bob's turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”
“Oh, no Sir, positively not!” Bob replied. “Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman. “Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!” “You’d swear to that?” “Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”
“Good, then you fire her!".

[Silver_Shiney]

Mick is having driving lessons. Approaching a crossroads with traffic lights that have just turned red, he puts his foot down and speeds through. The instructor bawls him out. Mick responds "My brother Pat does it all the time with no problems". At the next junction, the lights are red. Mick puts his foot down and speeds through. The instructor bawls him out again. Mick responds "My brother Pat does it all the time with no problems"

At the next junction, the lights are red. Mick puts his foot down and speeds through. The instructor bawls him out again. Mick responds "My brother Pat does it all the time with no problems"

At the next junction, the lights are green. Mick slams the anchors on and screeches to a halt. The instructor screams "The lights are green, it's your right of way, why did you stop"? Mick says, "Pat might be coming the other way"

[Stephen]

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.

Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."

Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

[oldbluefox]

How nice to see the ‘Flying Scotsman’ back in service. I got this picture of it passing through Bradford...........
Even if you’re not a railway buff, this is a sight to behold.......................... Brings tears to the eyes.

Flying Scotsman.jpg

[Stephen]

Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:

Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?

Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?

[Stephen]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.


The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[gfwgfw]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you please explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush always beats a Pair, no matter how big the pairs are."

Thumbs up . . . my ferrets even LoL and doing rollie pollies



A very happy weekend break to my best friend Stephen and his Friday jesters

Lubbooo all

Graham

[Stephen]

You and your ferrets have a good weekend to Graham

[Silver_Shiney]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are captured in the French Revolution and sentenced to an appointment with Madame La Guillotine.

The Englishman is blindfolded and shouts "I am an Englishman, I demand the right to die like a gentleman. Remove the blindfold". The blindfold is removed and he is placed face-down on the apparatus. He calls out "I am an Englishman, I demand the right to die like a gentleman. Place me on my back so I can watch the blade descent". The French, amazed at this bravado, roll him over, and pull the lever. The blade swiftly descends and stops half way down. They raise the blade and try again. Again, it stops half way down. They raise the blade again, pull the lever and once again, it stops half way down. The judge says "Monsieur, I salute your bravery. Madame La Guillotine salutes your bravery. Clearly you are not meant to die. You may go home."

The Scot is then led to the scaffold. He thinks "I cannae be shown up by this cowerin' Sassenach" and demands to be placed on the guillotine the same way. Three times the blade falls and jams half way down. The judge releases him.

The Irishman realises it's his turn and, although petrified, decides that he, too, must face the blade without a blindfold. The lever is pulled, the blade falls and, as in previous attempts, stops half way. Smell it? He's lying in it... The blade is raised and once more, it jams half way down. By now, he's just about beside himself with terror. The blade is raised for the third time. Just as the executioner reaches for the lever, the Irishman screams "STOP!!!! I can see what's causing the blade to jam"

[qbman1]

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.