Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

Friday morning "Morning All"
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Stephen
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Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

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It's Friday Fun Time :D


A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar .

He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'

The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.

'What do you mean he knows everything?' asks the scouser.

'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything'

'Yeah right' says the scouser.

'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the answer'

'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.

'Where am I from ?'

'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was right.

'Alright' says the scouser, 'that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

' Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash.

'Yes and who did they play?'

'Leeds United' again without blinking

'And the score?'

'2-1' says the memory man without hesitation.

'Pretty good, but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'

'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.

Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect .

He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man.

He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his war paint and full regalia.

The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner..

'How'.

The memory man squints at the scouser.

'Flying header in the six yard box.'

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Silver_Shiney
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

Unread post by Silver_Shiney »

good one! :thumbup:
Alan

Q-CC-KOS
Q-CC-TBM

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Not so ancient mariner
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

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A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is
equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the
child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the
usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"

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Stephen
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

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:D :thumbup:

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Stephen
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

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I'm not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.


Quizzical Bob
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

Unread post by Quizzical Bob »

Not so ancient mariner wrote:
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is
equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the
child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the
usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
I suppose they needed one of the right caliber?

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Stephen
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the s**t still inside?"

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gfwgfw
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

Unread post by gfwgfw »

Stephen wrote:
A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the s**t still inside?"

Happy bank holiday week end Stephen

BTW The Ole 'Uns are still the best 'Uns :wave:

Graham
Gentle Giant of Cerne Abbas :wave:

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Stephen
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

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And to you Graham. I hope you have got plenty of cider in stock :thumbup:

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Not so ancient mariner
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

Unread post by Not so ancient mariner »

Quizzical Bob wrote:
I suppose they needed one of the right caliber?


Only if they were American.... :-)

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oldbluefox
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A little girl is sitting by the road with a wicker basket and sign which reads FREE KITTENS
A large car pulls up and David Cameron gets out and walks up to the little girl
"How old are your kittens?" he asks
The little girls says "They're only a few days old, their eyes aren't open yet"
What kind of kittens are they" asks David Cameron
"They're Remain in the EU kittens" says the little girl
Cameron sees a PR opportunity and asks if the little girl will be there the next day. She says she will be so he drives back to Downing Street,
meets with his advisers and starts making phone calls
The next day the little girl is there again, and Cameron's car turns up followed by a convoy of cars and trucks. There is the BBC, ITV, Sky, CNN
and all the UK papers
They all get out and set up their camers and so on, and Cameron goes up to the little girl
"Hello, again" he says "would you mind telling all my friends what kind of kittens you have?"
"They're Brexit kittens" says the little girl
Cameron is horrified and says "Yesterday you said they were Remain in the EU kittens!"
"I know" says the little girl "But that was yesterday, today their eyes are open"
I was taught to be cautious

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oldbluefox
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

Unread post by oldbluefox »

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be
bred?"
"That's simple, by the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,
"To hang your trousers on."
I was taught to be cautious

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Not so ancient mariner
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

Unread post by Not so ancient mariner »

oldbluefox wrote:
A little girl is sitting by the road with a wicker basket and sign which reads FREE KITTENS
A large car pulls up and David Cameron gets out and walks up to the little girl
"How old are your kittens?" he asks
The little girls says "They're only a few days old, their eyes aren't open yet"
What kind of kittens are they" asks David Cameron
"They're Remain in the EU kittens" says the little girl
Cameron sees a PR opportunity and asks if the little girl will be there the next day. She says she will be so he drives back to Downing Street,
meets with his advisers and starts making phone calls
The next day the little girl is there again, and Cameron's car turns up followed by a convoy of cars and trucks. There is the BBC, ITV, Sky, CNN
and all the UK papers
They all get out and set up their camers and so on, and Cameron goes up to the little girl
"Hello, again" he says "would you mind telling all my friends what kind of kittens you have?"
"They're Brexit kittens" says the little girl

and you can tell this one whichever way round suits your fancy. I first heard it 40+ years ago when it was set in Northern Ireland, and they were Protestant & Catholic kittens.


Cameron is horrified and says "Yesterday you said they were Remain in the EU kittens!"
"I know" says the little girl "But that was yesterday, today their eyes are open"

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oldbluefox
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ : ~~~

Unread post by oldbluefox »

That's what I like - a bit of adaptability. One size fits all?
I was taught to be cautious

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