Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

[oldbluefox]

I take it she doesn't pop in on the forum Stephen.

Just in case you are thinking of taking up a musical instrument here's one for the ladies!! Very sexy and romantic!!!

[oldbluefox]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

[Ray Scully]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although she could use an old tin bath tub in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to bathe the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the tin tub, watched the girl undress, and was surprised to see that the lass had no pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Sure," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress to show the girl.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later, when the husband returned, his wife asked, "Well, did you see?"
“Aye," he said, "but why the hell did you show her yours?"
"Why worry about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough."

“Aye," he said, "but the Darts Team hadn't!"

[Ray Scully]

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president: Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will pick you up at your door.

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey", Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat".

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on Monday January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly; "Her brother is a doctor."

[Ray Scully]

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.



He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all!!! I had a roof over my head, a cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, school if I wanted ..."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce???"

"Oh no, nothing like that" he said. "No, no ... I got out of prison"

[qbman1]

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[Stephen]

How True


The Euro According To Blackadder



Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes Sir"
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?".
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"
Blackadder: "It was bo**ocks".

[qbman1]

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[Ray Scully]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.


His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You
bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
Bloody hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've
brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, but I'm pissed off that you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about
that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going
to love the Dad's reply!)

"Did you also notice they all #%@*&%! walked everywhere they went?

[Not so ancient mariner]

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other! Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

DANGEROUS SAFER SAFEST ULTRA SAFE
What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine.
What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paypacket. Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some wine.

[Not so ancient mariner]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your recent failure to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look
up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she
does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT
humor)!

[Ray Scully]

I posted something similar on Cruise Critic (Princess) and received a warning and a yellow card

[Not so ancient mariner]

A friend of mine went into the main post office one day and saw a middle-aged, balding bloke standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge pile of bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then took out a perfume bottle and sprayed scent all over them.

Curiosity getting the better of him, he went up to the balding man and asked him what he was doing. The man said "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asked my friend. "I'm a divorce lawyer," came the reply.

[Stephen]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children
You all have obsessions,' he observed

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating
You've even named your daughter Candy

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy
At this point, the fourth mother, Gillian, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on d**k, this guy has no idea what he's talking about Lets pick
Willy up from school and go home

[Mervyn and Trish]

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[Ray Scully]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was
> massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
> lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the
> distance...
>
> The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
> 'Well, she's there'

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad,
> where did my intelligence come from?'
>
>
> The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it
> from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

[Mervyn and Trish]

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