A guy goes to the doctor about a stomach ache and the doctor can't help but notice that the guy has a black eye. At the end of the consultation, he asks how the injury was acquired. The guy says he really doesn't want to talk about it, it's embarrassing. The doctor insists.
The guy says "well, it happened in church"
"Church? I thought they were supposed to be places of peace and love! What happened?"
"I was sitting behind a very large lady and I couldn't help but notice when we all stood up to sing that her dress was caught in her knickers, so I pulled the dress out. She turned round and punched me"
The doctor laughed and said it served him right.
Two weeks later, the guy goes back for a check-up, sporting another black eye. The doctor says "Okay, been back to church, have we?"
"Yes. I was sitting behind the same lady and again her skirt was tucked into her knickers. A little boy standing next to me also noticed it and he pulled her skirt out. I knew she didn't like that, so I tucked it back in"
Monrin' all (stand-in)
-
Silver_Shiney
Topic author - Deputy Captain
- Posts: 6400
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Bradley Stoke
Monrin' all (stand-in)
Alan
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-
qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
Monrin' all ? You could have at least spelt it right for the old boy !
-
Ray Scully
- Senior First Officer
- Posts: 2069
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Lancashire
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago
Because of hectic schedules,
it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool ,
A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:-
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: NOVEMBER 15, 2014
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are
allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Flaming hot down here!
they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago
Because of hectic schedules,
it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool ,
A widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting
messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:-
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: NOVEMBER 15, 2014
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are
allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Flaming hot down here!
-
Not so ancient mariner
- First Officer
- Posts: 1806
- Joined: February 2013
- Location: Cumbria
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
qbman1 wrote:Monrin' all ? You could have at least spelt it right for the old boy !
It was to avoid infringing Stephen's copyright...........-)
Last edited by Not so ancient mariner on 29 Jul 2016, 09:59, edited 1 time in total.
-
Not so ancient mariner
- First Officer
- Posts: 1806
- Joined: February 2013
- Location: Cumbria
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
Stud rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK
old ****, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over".
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance,
old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old
rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows
the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn..... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with us OLD FARTS ! Age, skill, and treachery will always
overcome youth and arrogance!
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK
old ****, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over".
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance,
old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old
rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows
the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn..... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with us OLD FARTS ! Age, skill, and treachery will always
overcome youth and arrogance!
-
Silver_Shiney
Topic author - Deputy Captain
- Posts: 6400
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Bradley Stoke
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
qbman1 wrote:Monrin' all ? You could have at least spelt it right for the old boy !
Yeah, I realised that just after I pressed "submit"
Alan
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-
Silver_Shiney
Topic author - Deputy Captain
- Posts: 6400
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Bradley Stoke
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
Not so ancient mariner wrote:Stud rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK
old ****, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over".
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance,
old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old
rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows
the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn..... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with us OLD FARTS ! Age, skill, and treachery will always
overcome youth and arrogance!
Alan
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Q-CC-TBM
Q-CC-KOS
Q-CC-TBM
-
Stephen
- Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
Mornin All from Maderia 
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
____________________________________________________________________________________
As the plane approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:
PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how feckin shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat feckin kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Seamus !
CO-PILOT - Yer nat feckin kiddin, Paddy !!
PILOT - Right, Seamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!
PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!
PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.
So, as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Seamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!!
As Paddy and Seamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Seamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist feckin runway in de world!"
Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how feckin wide it is?"
________________________________________________________________________
My Dog
I went down to Centrelink this morning to sign up my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".
I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle,
can't speak English even though born here
and has no clue who his dad is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn this is a great country..
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
____________________________________________________________________________________
As the plane approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:
PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how feckin shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat feckin kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Seamus !
CO-PILOT - Yer nat feckin kiddin, Paddy !!
PILOT - Right, Seamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!
PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!
PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.
So, as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Seamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!!
As Paddy and Seamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Seamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist feckin runway in de world!"
Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how feckin wide it is?"
________________________________________________________________________
My Dog
I went down to Centrelink this morning to sign up my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".
I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle,
can't speak English even though born here
and has no clue who his dad is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn this is a great country..
-
qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
-
Silver_Shiney
Topic author - Deputy Captain
- Posts: 6400
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Bradley Stoke
-
qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
Hope you didn't wash it down with apple juice !!Silver_Shiney wrote:do you mind, I've just had my lunch
-
qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
-
oldbluefox
- Ex Team Member
- Posts: 12527
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Cumbria
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
Mervyn and Trish wrote:13645188_1050962151653902_3722550832416715705_n.jpg
I was taught to be cautious
-
Stephen
- Commodore
- Posts: 17755
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Down South - The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
Very good everyone.
Thanks Alan for stepping in........something.
No mobile usage allowance apart from Spain and i'm too tight to pay more money for a package from my provider or P&O
Thanks Alan for stepping in........something.
No mobile usage allowance apart from Spain and i'm too tight to pay more money for a package from my provider or P&O
-
qbman1
- Captain
- Posts: 12153
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Oxfordshire
-
oldbluefox
- Ex Team Member
- Posts: 12527
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Cumbria
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
Come back soon Stephen!!! What with Monrin' and now this we're all doomed I tell ye!!!!qbman1 wrote:ComjdRxWgAAKPZA.jpg
I was taught to be cautious
-
Silver_Shiney
Topic author - Deputy Captain
- Posts: 6400
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Bradley Stoke
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
oldbluefox wrote:Come back soon Stephen!!! What with Monrin' and now this we're all doomed I tell ye!!!!qbman1 wrote:ComjdRxWgAAKPZA.jpg
What's stopping you from correcting the smelling pistake?
Alan
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Q-CC-KOS
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-
oldbluefox
- Ex Team Member
- Posts: 12527
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Cumbria
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
Which spelling mistake? I thought it was intentional. 
But you only have to ask..................
But you only have to ask..................
I was taught to be cautious
-
Mervyn and Trish
- Commodore
- Posts: 17018
- Joined: February 2013
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
Go on then. Flex your Modplod muscles.oldbluefox wrote:Which spelling mistake? I thought it was intentional.
But you only have to ask..................
-
Silver_Shiney
Topic author - Deputy Captain
- Posts: 6400
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Bradley Stoke
-
Ray Scully
- Senior First Officer
- Posts: 2069
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Lancashire
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
I saw my mate Charlie this morning. He's only got one arm, bless him.
>
> I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
>
> He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
>
> Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
> "That's gonna be a bit awkward isn't it?"
>
> "Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive b***ard."
> _______________________________________
>
> Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
> "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
> "German," she replies.
> "Occupation?
> "No, just here for a few days."
> ________________________________________
>
> As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's
> funeral,
> a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
>
> The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
> "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
> ________________________________________
>
> I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
> Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
> ________________________________________
>
> After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus
> were going to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough,
> however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I
> thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
> ________________________________________
>
> I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
> I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
> breathing!
>
> I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
> Then I remembered that the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.
> ________________________________________
>
> "Jesus Loves You."
> Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
> ______________________________________
>
> Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
> The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
>
> I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
>
> He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
>
> Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
> "That's gonna be a bit awkward isn't it?"
>
> "Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive b***ard."
> _______________________________________
>
> Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
> "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
> "German," she replies.
> "Occupation?
> "No, just here for a few days."
> ________________________________________
>
> As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's
> funeral,
> a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
>
> The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
> "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
> ________________________________________
>
> I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
> Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
> ________________________________________
>
> After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus
> were going to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough,
> however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I
> thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
> ________________________________________
>
> I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
> I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
> breathing!
>
> I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
> Then I remembered that the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.
> ________________________________________
>
> "Jesus Loves You."
> Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
> ______________________________________
>
> Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
> The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
-
Not so ancient mariner
- First Officer
- Posts: 1806
- Joined: February 2013
- Location: Cumbria
Re: Monrin' all (stand-in)
qbman1 wrote:ComjdRxWgAAKPZA.jpg
Where's the 'groan' key???
-
oldbluefox
- Ex Team Member
- Posts: 12527
- Joined: January 2013
- Location: Cumbria