Mornin All --- :) ---

[Stephen]

It's Friday fun time from Southampton

Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!

[oldbluefox]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, "Sir, there's no money in that account."
''I know," said the old man..."But let me tell you about my weekend."

[oldbluefox]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[oldbluefox]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

[oldbluefox]

I RECENTLY HEARD A SWEET ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER:-

"Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me.
You have taken ...
my favourite actor--- Patrick Macnee,
my favourite horror actor Christopher Lee,
my favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,
my favourite singers----Joe Cocker and David Bowie
my favourite author, Tom Clancy.
my favourite presenter Sir Terry Wogan
and now, my favourite everything, Victoria Wood
So Lord. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians
are Tony Blair, Michael Gove, Robert Mugabe and that stupid bitch from Scotland".

[towny44]

Rethink your philosophy on life


Love this Japanese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out
and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

[Silver_Shiney]

Rethink your philosophy on life


Love this Japanese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out
and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

I'll drink to that!

[qbman1]

One day last spring, after the lunchtime rush, a fellow came into the bar with a cat: not just any cat, but a mean-lookin' ginger tom. You could see the scars across the room. But that wasn't the weirdest thing - the ostrich was. Six foot tall, eyes like golf balls, a real live ostrich.

I asked the man what he wanted; "I'll have a pint of bitter", he said "a pint of lager for the ostrich and a gin and tonic..." The cat hissed at him "... a double gin and tonic for the cat. Thanks"

Well, I served the drinks, he paid, and they all knocked 'em back. Wasn't long before the ostrich came back to the bar, and made it clear that he ... could have been a she, how do I know? ... wanted the same again. Well I poured them. I could feel the cats eyes burning through me, as if he was checking that he got his double again. I took the drinks over to them, and the man paid, taking the cash from a purse tied round the ostrich's neck.

This carried on for a couple of hours. The man and the ostrich buying alternate rounds, the cat just sat on the window shelf with his drink, looking fit to kill.

The whole place got quiet - well, people sort of sat and stared, and who can blame them? Anyway, eventually, I plucked up the courage to ask the fellow what was going on.

"Can't a man have a quiet drink anymore?" he rasped, so I said, no harm meant, but you got to admit you're a unique set of drinkers. He smiled, but there was no light in that smile.

"Okay, you want to know? I'll tell you.

I was across town the other week, working on the new road. Place was full of rubbish and I turned up this old brass lamp. I rubbed it, thinking there might be a date or inscription or something. Anyway, out comes this cloud of smoke and a Genie appears... you know, turban, scimitar ... the whole works. And he tells me I've got just one wish."

"And before you ask, yes, I did wish for a big bird with long legs and a tight pussy"

[towny44]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."