Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes...

She was fuming when I came back with a wonder bra.

[qbman1]

An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:

They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

[qbman1]

One day Donald Trump was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.

Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Trump.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."

[qbman1]

Paddy’s drunk, he comes home late, crawls in bed and before she could wake he starts having mindless energetic sex with his wife.

Then he gets up, walks into the bathroom, and his wife is standing there.

He says, 'What are you doing in here?'

She says, 'Shhh! My mother's in our bed.'

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

A man sees a lady with big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner.
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.
Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

[qbman1]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[qbman1]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about
men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

Dr. Geezer's Clinic


An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a
medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's
clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, I'll pay you $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you
please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be
$500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be
$500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so," Here's your
$1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your eyesight back! That will be
$500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can
outsmart an old Geezer.

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the
first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

[gfwgfw]

Two middle aged Nuns were travelling along the Motorway when a young white van driver cut in front of the two ladies really scaring them badly

The passenger Nun scream and shouted to the ashen driver

"show him your cross"

The Nun wound downed her window gave him two fingers and scream you bastard

+ + + + +
Great weekend to all

[Stephen]

Two middle aged Nuns were travelling along the Motorway when a young white van driver cut in front of the two ladies really scaring them badly

The passenger Nun scream and shouted to the ashen driver

"show him your cross"

The Nun wound downed her window gave him two fingers and scream you B*****d

+ + + + +
Great weekend to all

And to you Graham

[Mervyn and Trish]

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[oldbluefox]

Just read that ,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive!!

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Money talks, but all mine ever says is goodbye!!


If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments to the bank!!!!!

[oldbluefox]

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful blonde in a mini skirt and halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for £45,000 to the lovely young lady there."
"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man... "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price... see you later, Dad."

[Mervyn and Trish]

During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Melania," neither does the parrot."

[Mervyn and Trish]

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

[Stephen]

Good one Merv.

That's gone onto my Facecloth page

[gfwgfw]

Very amused by a notice in my local hostelry WC

"Only put what has gone through your stomach in the toilet . . . Thank you"