Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M7, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180Kmh, then 220, then 240Kmh.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him...

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my
wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

[qbman1]

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Bum 'n Raisin anyone ?!

[Mervyn and Trish]

My kind of ice cream

[qbman1]

That's a real sign too - outside the shop next door to us ! And the owner's not Chinese - he's Albanian !

[qbman1]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?

[qbman1]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house burgled and ransacked.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a sniffer dog unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the handler approached the house with his dog on a lead, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

[qbman1]

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in the Highlands of Scotland as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Jimmy ...Your neighbour from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some locals. Thank you."

As Jimmy is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Jimmy stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Jimmy turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Jimmy stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".

[qbman1]

After a two-week holiday, a man returned to his office and one of his fellow workers asked him what kind of time he'd had.

"I spent the whole two weeks helping my wife paint the rooms in our house," he groaned.

"Does she do that often?"

"Well," he replied, "when we moved in a few years ago, the spare room was nine by twelve. Now it's eight by eleven!"

[qbman1]

This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a key in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the key implanted and is beautiful for five years.

But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.

"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.

The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."

"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."

[qbman1]

Ladies' Day at Aintree

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/artic ... s-Day.html

Ye gods - classy !

[Stephen]

Ladies' Day at Aintree

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/artic ... s-Day.html

Ye gods - classy !

Shouldn't they be chasing a rabbit round the track

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

Since my son Carl was born, we have had fifteen washing machines, he left home five years ago, and since then we've had the same one without any problems.

So washing machines do last longer with Carl gone........

[Silver_Shiney]

Ladies' Day at Aintree

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/artic ... s-Day.html

Ye gods - classy !

Plenty of females on show, but no ladies....

[Not so ancient mariner]

Some nice fillies though...........!

[Stephen]

I noticed when they were being interviewed they all came from oop North.

Grace and sophistication was obviously something that hasn't reached that end of the country yet. I always thought there were rules and guide lines at the Grand National with regards to dress code and how to conduct yourself. Obviously not.

[Mervyn and Trish]

I noticed when they were being interviewed they all came from oop North.

Grace and sophistication was obviously something that hasn't reached that end of the country yet. I always thought there were rules and guide lines at the Grand National with regards to dress code and how to conduct yourself. Obviously not.

I think there are.

They simply read "the less the better"!

[qbman1]

I wouldn't say more was better in some of those cases. Thighs like those should remain firmly covered !

[Dancing Queen]

I noticed when they were being interviewed they all came from oop North.

Grace and sophistication was obviously something that hasn't reached that end of the country yet. I always thought there were rules and guide lines at the Grand National with regards to dress code and how to conduct yourself. Obviously not.

They had obviously been taking lessons from 'Essex' girls

[Mervyn and Trish]

I wouldn't say more was better in some of those cases. Thighs like those should remain firmly covered !

Quite so. Not a good look

[qbman1]

You do have to wonder whether they have mirrors in houses around Liverpool

[Silver_Shiney]

Maybe someone should show the individuals concerned those photos when they've sobered up, to see if it induces any sense of shame...

[qbman1]

Sadly, I suspect not. Many consider that look a "badge of pride" - us fuddy-duddies must live in a different world !

[qbman1]

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