Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

It's Friday Fun Time

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[Stephen]

Davie and Chas were a couple of drinking pals who worked as
aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport . One day the airport was
fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Davie said, "Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!".

Chas says, "Me as weel. Y'ken, I've heard ye can swallie jet fuel
and get a buzz. Ye gonnae try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hootch
and get completely smashed.

The next morning Davie wakes up and is surprised at how good he
feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Chas.

Chas says, "Hey, how do you feel this mornin'?"

Davie says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yerself?"

Chas says, "I feel great, too. Do ye have a sair heid?"

Davie says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae hangover,
nothin'. We need tae drink this stuff insteed o' Smirnoff."

"Aye! But there's just one thing..."

"Whit's that?".

"Have ye farted yet?"

"Naw..."




"Well, DINNAE, 'cause I'm in Dusseldorf "

[Mervyn and Trish]

Saw an ad for a radio.

"£1, volume stuck on full".

Well I thought, "I can't run that down"

[towny44]

Why some teachers drink heavily!
The following questions were in last year's Canadian GED Examination.
Here are some of the answers.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches
puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g., the abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal
cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs,
and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

AND THEY CAN VOTE NOW?

[Stephen]

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[Stephen]

Mary had a little skirt, With slits right up the sides, And every time she crossed her legs, The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt, With a slit right up the front, She never wore that one.

[Stephen]

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[qbman1]

How it all comes back to me…

Most of our generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED
in many ways.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why ."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOUR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

[Happydays]

QB, I did laugh. I can almost hear them saying these comments

[qbman1]

I know - it's a bit too close to home for those of us of a "certain age" !

[Jan Rosser]

Loved that Cubie - I've used a few of those sayings myself as my sons remind me sometimes

[Stephen]

similarly .........

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